moodymama's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I want to puke. I'm starting to get paranoid about this lately. I'm not sure if T actually knows how to get to this diary on his own, since the only time he's read it is if I had the index page open. I'm not sure if I want to take any chances, even though he rarely comes online or has anything to do with my computer. I hate being locked, though. I'm looking into getting my own domain and having them hook me up with a template and some skins. I might do that after I start working because it's kind of expensive for me right now. I didn't mind T reading things before (if he did) because they were things that he already knew. The most recent events...he knows nothing about. As far as T knows, I have not spoken to HIM except at the airport the day that I flew in from Hawaii. I hate being paranoid. My mind runs rampant with all sorts of disastrous scenarios and I start to feel dizzy and my hands start itching like mad. I need to lay down now. I'm feeling like I might vomit. 5:37 p.m. - Sunday, Jul. 25, 2004 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Still talking about the taboo topic. I keep jumping every time the phone rings... Andromeda called. Or her daughter did. I was worried that she'd left town without saying goodbye. Guess she's just been incognito. Going through psycho-husband-shit will do that to a person, I guess. The inlaws came by, unannounced. I had to burn pictures for them. Lots of pictures. Totally interrupted that long entry that I was in the middle of writing, which told me that it wasn't meant to be posted. If he calls, what do I say? I'm tired of chewing on these same old thoughts. It's been like that all weekend. At the same time, I can't wait to laugh with him over absolutely ridiculous things that no one else gets. Things that T never thinks is funny and my laughing about them is met with a perplexed look. I can't wait to swap books with him because T never reads anything that's not an instruction manual for some newly acquired gadget. I can't wait to really talk to someone about things that T never gives much thought to and my hypothetical questions are greeted with, "What?" or "I have no idea" or "Who cares?" or "Only you would ask some stupid shit like that". HE never thinks I'm odd or weird or "something else", as T describes me. Maybe I should start thinking about HIS flaws. Like his temper, which is quickly fueled like mine. Or the way he says nasty things when he's mad, just like me. T is more rational when I am not. Or how HE doesn't do things like open my door for me or ask me if I want the last bite. T does thoughtful little things like that. HE is the insanely jealous type whereas T is not, unless it's with good reason. I wish I could take the things that I love about both of them and merge them into one person. 5:22 p.m. - Sunday, Jul. 25, 2004 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Uncharacteristic stupidity. I love my new work/desk/school area. We couldn't fit the entire unit so instead of having a u-shaped desk, it's h-shaped. T is playing an Al Green CD and it's pissing me off. Reminds me of something my Dad would listen to. T doesn't listen to music at normal decibels, kind of like how he watches TV. It's as if he only has one eardrum or his hearing is compromised somehow. I can't think! I've decided not to do my discussion questions for class today. I simply don't feel like it. Last night I tallied up how many assignments I can miss without failing the class. That's how much I can't stand this class...I'm willing to compromise my 4.0 and skate by with a low C if I have to. Right now I'm teetering between a very low A and a high B, depending on how well or badly I did on last week's quiz. Btw, this is how it went down...
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