moodymama's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I still don't get it. I think I should take my meds or something. I'm having weird and borderline obsessive thoughts. It's odd because I'm not the type to get hung up over anyone. I'm more of the I'd-rather-crap-jagged-boulders-than-cry-over-you type. This is sickening. It's even worse that I'm married. For that I should be crucified naked and seared with red-hot spears in my private regions. And I'm up way past my new bedtime of midnight. 1:35 a.m. - Sunday, Jul. 25, 2004 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I couldn't help it! Someone just flog me with a wet whip already. I'd tell you what I did but it's so naughty. I want to tell you so badly though. 1:22 a.m. - Sunday, Jul. 25, 2004 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Mission failed. So, this is what I was supposed to have accomplished today: -read the lecture for Week 3 -tinker with Excel so I can do my graphing assignments -complete individual homework assignment for week 3 -complete quiz for week 3 -work on group assignment for week 3 -read three chapters in my textbook -do three loads of laundry -load the dishwasher -clean the bathrooms -vacuum This is what I did do today: -read first page of lecture for week three -washed but did not dry, fold, and put away three loads of laundry -loaded the dishwasher -played in my MSN group -read diaries -took a bubble bath -watched a Lifetime movie -played in my MSN group -read more diaries -pretend that Excel program and textbook were written in Latin and therefore could not be read I suck. 6:51 p.m. - Saturday, Jul. 24, 2004 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Greek cookies and a gift from the Devil. I have a cable modem again, yay. No more leaving the comp to take a crap and coming back and the same page is still loading. Woo! FIL just left because he brought me a desk. A big, solid wood, U-shaped desk with lots of cabinets. I can have all of my computer/school/scrapbooking crap in one place! For two years I've been using this half-ass desk that T built when he was thirteen from wooden flower crates. I'll save it for the sake of nostalgia and let the kids use it. The only thing that sucks is that the den will have to be rearranged to accommodate this desk. I have to move the entertainment center over, which means that it'll be misaligned with the window that it sits under. I don't do crooked very well, Diary. This is going to disturb me big time, just looking at the alignment being askew. It's almost as bad as when people shelve their books with small ones in between the big ones. Or when they have their CD genres all mixed up and then they're not even alphabetized. Anyway, I've figured out why I've been having these horrible headaches every day. I have a toothache. It's a dull toothache that I've been having off and on for months, and now the pain has crept up into my head. That's what happened the last time I had a toothache anyway, and the pain stopped as soon as I went to the dentist and had all of my wisdom teeth pulled. I can't stand going to the dentist. My dentist is this strange Greek Orthodox character who calls his patients "honey" and "baby", reeks of Polo, and has weird religious pictures on every wall of his office. I can't pronounce his name, but the first six letters are C-h-r-i-s-t. I'm not joking. His dental assistants bake fresh cookies right in the office. Good idea, offering people with teeth problems sugar-filled cookies. I don't know what to think about a professional who says, "One of my assistants will hook you up with a cookie for being such a good cookie." Ew?! Back to homework. Stop distracting me. 4:47 p.m. - Saturday, Jul. 24, 2004 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Hook me up, Time Warner, you stud. The cable people are coming today. I'd said that I wouldn't get a cable connection again until I got a job, but I don't care about that right now. No more dial-up! We didn't sleep well last night. Monkey couldn't decide which room she wanted to sleep in and kept running from room to room until about 2am. She finally landed in The Girl's room for good, but came all the way to my room at 6am to ask for milk. Yes, she skipped over her sister sleeping right next to her and decided to jar me awake with her Bratz doll. I had a dream about HIM. We were chatting on the front steps of my house and just drinking coffee. The normalcy of it almost made me want to cry. I wish so badly that we could just be friends, but I know that letting him in and responding to him is encouraging disaster. We've already said goodbye. There's really no point in going back and so from this day forward, I'll make every effort not to discuss him in this particular journal. He is done. Fin. Fini. Uma. Ova. Anyway, these people need to be out of my house by noon. The family, that is. It's my Day Off From Domestic Duties and they're packing up to spend the day and evening with the inlaws. I plan to use the time to study, do my homework ahead of time, work in the Math lab, and possibly play online if I have a time left over. Oh, did I tell you that my sister Krystina is pregnant with her fourth kid? FOUR kids. Who in this day and age of downsizing and 2.5 kids has four children? Who? Her youngest won't even be two when this next one is born. I'm exhausted just thinking about it. I tried to be happy for her, but quite frankly I think I ended up sounding downright appalled and disgusted. I have friends who've been trying to have children for years and can't, yet people who don't plan for them have FOUR. Maybe I'm tripping a little on that number. I'll get off the topic now. I'm going to email my uncle right now so we can gossip about how irritated we are with her being pregnant with number FOUR. 10:24 a.m. - Saturday, Jul. 24, 2004 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Beware: vulgarity ahead Maybe I should've slept with him when I had the chance. Maybe that's what the big issue is...an unconsummated relationship, the sheer curiosity of it. A relationship built on stolen kisses and holding hands and kind words and the right words and someone who understands finally and shoulders to lean on and feeling like high school kids all over again. I should've just taken Bev's early advice and just fucked his brains out and moved on. That's what affairs are really supposed to be, right? Maybe I'm hoping that that's all there is to it. It's easier to get over sexual chemistry than matters of the heart. Alright. No more obsessive updates. I promise. 6:29 p.m. - Friday, Jul. 23, 2004 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- WTF. Is it because I'm so lonely here that I'm willing to latch on to any friendship that comes my way? 6:27 p.m. - Friday, Jul. 23, 2004 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I don't get it. Okay I hugged my husband. Now he thinks I'm up to something. Silly man. I'm so disturbed right now. I want to call HIM. I want him to leave me annoying notes on my car again so I have an excuse to drive by his apartment and leave him an equally annoying one. What is wrong with me? 6:23 p.m. - Friday, Jul. 23, 2004 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I'm not sure. So I called Hertz today to talk to the Big Boss but she had left already for the weekend. Bev said to call her on Monday morning and she'd also call me to remind me. And guess what else? HE quit yesterday. Just like that. I know where to find him, but I won't even bother. For what? It's not like we can actually be friends now. I'm ashamed to admit that I'm disappointed. I wasn't aware that I'd care until Bev told me. I feel like I had something to prove, and now the opportunity is lost. I didn't even realize until today that HE was the lure to go back to working at the airport, even if it was for a competitor. Why is that? Can I work there now, knowing that he won't be around? Will it be less stressful? Have less drama? Will I bored since he was a major part of the entertainment? Will I not want to bond with anyone else now? I am somewhat relieved. We were a good team together but there was such tension and drama when we weren't getting along. Like we'd be all professional when customers were around, but start slamming rental jackets and keys once they'd left. Then I'd grab my jacket and stomp off to smoke a cig, leaving him fuming at the counter. Stupid shit like that. It went far beyond the usual co-workers-not-getting-along type of situation. It was palpable, even with the customers. I'm going to hug my husband now and be a little grateful for his simplicity. 6:08 p.m. - Friday, Jul. 23, 2004 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Stranger things have happened. I'm confused. Someone just sent me a text message on my cell phone, only I don't pay for the text messaging feature. Oh, you'll never believe what I did yesterday. I pulled weeds! In the heat! Don't faint now. 12:30 p.m. - Friday, Jul. 23, 2004 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- On the road to employment. Sorry for neglecting you, Diary. Life is full of busy stuff lately. I have pictures! Actually, I just dropped off four rolls at S@ms Club but my mom sent me some and I uploaded the few that were on my digital. Too bad I'm too lazy to post them. Remember Ellen aka Lucille from my old job? The one with the penciled in eyebrows that made her look like she was always surprised? Well, she called me last week and left her phone number on my voicemail asking me to call her back. I accidentally deleted the message, so I called Hertz yesterday asking to speak with her. Bev answered the phone and said that Lucille is working down at one of the other car rental places. This is the same car rental place that I'm sending my resume to because they're hiring. So I jokingly told Bev not to be shady and give me a bad reference. She blew a fuse about me trying to work with a competitor and asked me to come back and fill in Lucille's old position. The hours are exactly what I'm looking for too because I can only work at night in order for T to watch the kids. I needed some advice about this so I called Em. At first she thought it was a bad idea because of HIM. HE is working back at the counter now. I know because HE was the person that I had to give Bev's souvenirs to the day that I flew in (she wasn't there). Then Em said that maybe I should go back and show everyone that I'm beyond all the shit that they've said about me behind my back. I should go back and show HIM that I'm over him. If I work for that competitor, that's a huge pay difference from Hertz. Their base pay is lower and they don't make commission. I'm all about the dollar signs right now. I also already have a uniform. It doesn't fit anymore but that's not the point. And I've already been trained and don't have to go through the anxiety of starting a new job. I should ask Stanky too and see what she thinks. She's my voice of reason these days. I'm supposed to call the Big Boss today and talk to her too. I don't like her because she's intimidating and...aggressive. Or something. Oh well. Ta-ta until later. 10:37 a.m. - Friday, Jul. 23, 2004 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Drawing a blank on a title. Dial-up sucks donkey balls. I hope I remember to call Time Warner today to hook me up with a cable modem. I got rid of DSL because they dropped my connection one too many times for me to be paying that much. I'm locked out of my own MSN Group because I registered with my DSL connection's address that no longer exists. Maybe that's a hint. I'm not connecting with anyone right now and I might not care. Or I might. I'm not sure yet. I'm doing just fine all by myself. Had to see the shrink yesterday for meds. I took Monkey in with me but made the other two sit in the waiting room. So then the shrink tells me to bring them in the office, so I'm thinking that he's just going to write me a prescription and let me be on my way. The kids came in, and this fucker asks me point blank right in front of them, "So your chart says that prior to your vacation you were feeling suicidal? Is that right?" The kids looked at me, shocked and almost...frightened. I had to resist the urge to cuss him out or knock his ass out right then and there for fear of being locked up somewhere. I'm thinking that today I going to call someone and report his ass for unethical practices. Mom called last night and she's sounding much better. She cleaned her apartment to rid herself of the evidence of us. She's back to doing her usual stuff like hanging out with her friends after work and running her aerobics class at her church. While we were there, she kind of stayed away from her church and strayed from her usual routines. I'm glad that she's not crying anymore. After running errands yesterday, we went to MIL's to take my niece out walking at a nearby park. After her surgery she gained twelve pounds and her doctor said that she needs to walk at least a mile every day. I'm also trying to make sure that The Girl gets enough exercise now that she's not swimming four to six hours a day. She didn't really lose a lot of weight but her flab really toned up. We promised Mom that we'd eat healthy once we got home, and we've been doing a good job at it. Still eating our tofu salads, no junk food, and lots of protein and low-carb stuff. Oh, and drinking the required eight glasses of water a day. Now all I need to do is quit smoking... I have another busy day ahead of me so I should wrap this up. Until later...aloha. 7:11 a.m. - Tuesday, Jul. 20, 2004 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Still blue. I wrote a really long entry this morning and Diaryland ate it. I was so annoyed that I boycotted my computer for the rest of the day. While I was in Hawaii, I updated at my first diary since I couldn't access this one. It's funny how long it takes one to adjust to real life after only a three week vacation. As of today... -I'm getting used to unidentifiable flying insects again. -My left foot no longer feels for a clutch when I'm driving (Mom's Jeep was a stick shift). -My house feels normal-sized as opposed to feeling unnaturally huge (Mom's condo is tiny). -My teeth finally stopped chattering (Mom had no central AC; she had room AC's that she refused to use). -I've gotten out of the habit of walking outside barefoot. -I might be finally adjusting to the fact that my Mom is not just in the next room for me to harass, hug, annoy, or joke around with. -I didn't wake up today thinking that we could just go to the beach if we got bored. -I saw bills in the mail for the first time in weeks. I don't feel like journaling, really. I thought I did but it's making me depressed all of a sudden. I miss you, Mom. 8:13 p.m. - Monday, Jul. 19, 2004 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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