moodymama's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Going home. Not sure if I'll be able to journal later, so I guess I'll get this in now. Have to drive all the way to Gilbert later to drop off my car with SIL A. MIL is bound and determined not to car-sit for me. Pshht. Bizatch. Anyway, so T is following me out there in his car, and then we have to ride back to our house and wait on MIL to pick us up. We have to spend the night at her house so she can take us to the airport bright and early. I get to see my babies tomorrow! :o) I still have to finish packing, do some last minute cleaning, and run some last minute errands. It bugs me that SIL M will have the key to the house because she has to come over and check on my dog. I can just see them coming over here and snooping around. I had to collect my scattered paper journals and have T lock them up. I have to get rid of this newly acquired drawl. I've been reading things out loud all day...practicing... Told the neighbors next door to keep an eye on things around here. Told them that no one should be coming around here other than the mailman and a big blonde girl in a red car. Told the neighbors across the street too, but not the Ghetto-fab family directly across from us. I don't trust people who don't appear to work but drive fancy cars and sport Gucci purses. I watched Lost In Translation last night, which was the wrong movie to watch given my current situation with HIM. I love me some Scarlett Johansson. There I go with the ghetto slang again. I need to quit that. Anyway, if you haven't seen it, these two people (both married) are in Tokyo and are kind of...lost. They meet up in this strange place and become friends. They needed each other at this specific point in their lives. They have feelings for each other but they never have a sexual relationship. In the end, the guy (played by Bill Murray) has to go back home to his wife. All through the movie he was unable to convey his feelings to the girl (Scarlett) but in the end, he finally tells her how special she is. Maybe that's what I need with HIM. We didn't have a proper goodbye. I didn't get that last hug, those kind last words. It was all up in the air and ugly. I don't think he's meant to be in my life right now, but I know that he was in my life at one point for a purpose. Just another damn thing in my life with no closure. Anyway...I should get some things done. Until later...aloha... 11:11 a.m. - Friday, Jun. 25, 2004 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I Miss You Got back from shopping with T and realized that I didn't have any smokes. So I hopped into my car and was ready to take off when I noticed yet another note under my windshield wiper (we'd gone out in T's car earlier). ...what would happen if we kissed...would your tongue slip past my lips...would you walk away...would you stay... That's what it said. HE'S referring to a song of Meredith Brooks where she sings about forbidden fruit. I'm confused. I miss him and I want him to leave me alone. He's only making it harder on everyone involved. "...don't waste your time on me...you're already a voice inside my head..." 9:53 p.m. - Thursday, Jun. 24, 2004 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The one where I ramble for days. I was up all night, Diary. I finally went to bed at nine this morning and I'm just now waking up. I hate wasted days. All because I didn't have my little white pills. Okay, I'd run out and had taken my Rx to both Bi-L0 and Kr0ger yesterday. Neither of their pharmacies had enough to fill my Rx, and Lame Ass Medicaid doesn't allow them to fill half now and half later. So then I dropped it off at W@lgreen's and told them I'd pick it up later. Last night it started pouring and thundering again. T and I drove to stupid W@lgreen's and wouldn't you know, it was the only block on the whole damn street that had their power go off. I contemplated banging on the sliding glass doors, demanding that I get my pills. Pshhht. So yeah, that's why I couldn't sleep last night. I picked them up this morning and knocked the hell out only twenty minutes after taking them. Anyway, I finally broke down and bought a new swimsuit. The only one I own is a maternity one, and I'm definitely not wearing that. Actually, I'd found this cute Nike one at T.J. M@xx yesterday, but then I spotted an even cuter one last night at W@lmart that I just had to have. It covers up more. It's one of those spaghetti strap tankini numbers with little surf shorts. Very cute. I don't feel comfortable wearing a swimsuit, truthfully. I've lost weight but all that really means is that I've gone from being Super Fat to just Fat. I also got two capris yesterday. I love capris. One is this worn out looking denim that hugs low. The other one is navy blue with a little orange button. Orange? I dunno, but it looked cute when I put it on. Now that I don't have a protruding gut I like things that hug low. T hates it because he says that when I bend over I have ass-crack. Pshhht. Don't look then. I can't wear too-short tops with them though because of my colostomy scars. That sucks. One thing that I hate about my body are my arms. Big, bulky Polynesian arms. Looks like I lift weights when I don't. I hate it. It's the last part of my body to drop weight. So I'm built like a boy with bulky arms and narrow hips. I've always liked my hips, even though they're boyish. When I'm at my regular weight, I'm straight up and down. Just lean and no curves in sight. That's kind of odd for a girl of African-American/Polynesian descent, don't you think? I sometimes hated having a boyish figure when I was younger, especially while hanging out with the curvacious Jen who all the boys liked. Now I could care less as long as I'm not obese. Notice how I said "African-American" today instead of "black"? Maybe I'll use that one from now on. Black is a color, not an ethnicity. Instead of "white" I'll say Caucasian. I don't really like that one though. It's like saying Asian instead of defining whether they're Korean, Chinese, Japanese...all of the above. It's so general. I wish more Caucasian people knew their ethnic origins. Like my husband. All he can tell you is that he knows his Grandma was from England. We've all guessed German on FIL's side just because of the last name. Other than that, no one knows. Damn I'm rambly today. 2:33 p.m. - Thursday, Jun. 24, 2004 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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