moodymama's Diaryland Diary


I'm so sorry, baby.

I long for one of those days where my biggest concern was what to cook for dinner.

11:05 p.m. - Thursday, Aug. 26, 2004



Oh ya...guess who finally decided to answer her phone and talk to me yesterday? None other than Miss Stankiness herself. Awww, I am that special now!

And what's going on with me having friends who sound like twelve year-olds on the phone? I'm gonna get slammed for that comment, I just know it.

One of my pills is gonna have to bite the dust. I was groggy all day and couldn't even drive. Skipped all errands and stayed home, lounging with Monkey and pretending to eat plastic waffles and fruit soup while being tortured with Wiggles and their Magical Fucking Adventure. Blah. Yeah, I journaled all about her tantrum over plastic food here.

Had mad drama with the inlaws and my mother last night. I'd go into detail here but that's what I have my homegirls in the group for. Let's just say that T is no longer speaking to his oldest sister, the one that he's closest to.

I think I should take a bath already.

3:25 p.m. - Thursday, Aug. 26, 2004


'Reserved and Standoffish'

Gerry told me recently that I'm a hard person to get to know. I found this to be an odd statement, so I went around asking the inlaws if they thought the same way too. They all replied yes.

I'm not necessarily insulted. I just think it's interesting that different people have such varying perspectives of me. Like all of my online friends would probably say the opposite. I think, anyway.

I suppose it's easier to open yourself up to people you cannot see.

So anyway, Gerry was saying that initially I'm very reserved to the point that people think that I'm stuck-up. He'd found this to be a challenge and this is why he personally decided to befriend me on that bus so many years ago. Gerry is the type of person who will go up to a complete stranger and ten minutes later they'll be best buddies.

Doesn't surprise me that the inlaws view me that way since I'm normally like that with people that I feel I cannot trust.

How unfortunate that it's the people I will never see who know me best.

7:56 a.m. - Thursday, Aug. 26, 2004


Drugs soon? Please?!

Alright, I finally clicked on this damn thing that kept popping up on people's diaries and blogs.

My Bloginality is INTP!!!

Please don't ask what that means because I just don't give a shit. It did say that as a blogger, I'm not as concerned with popularity as I am with just blogging, which I thought was a cool depiction.

I'm waiting patiently for meds time. Kind of like that kook in the mental ward that lurks around the nurse's station ten minutes before meds time. Oh wait, I make the assumption that everyone has spent time in a mental institution. Silly me. Tonight I get to have Vicodin, Lamictal, and Xanax. I am gonna be one doped up puppy.

T made dinner tonight. I'm not eating but I wanna sit at the table with the family.

5:47 p.m. - Wednesday, Aug. 25, 2004


Toothless, moneyless, and cookieless.

I did it! I went to the dentist and I didn't cry or threaten to run out of the exam room. Yes, I usually do this. Today I was brave though. My options were to have a root canal or have the damn thing pulled. I took the cheaper route and had it yanked. A I really need that? I hope not.

They gave me cookies afterwards that I saved for Monkey. I gave the suggestion that Rabbit Girl told me about sugarless gum in lieu of cookies. They thought it was a 'splendid' idea. Hey, their word not mine.

Cheap or not, it's $160 that I didn't have. They let me postdate a check for T's payday. It's coming out of the $323 set aside for the electric/gas bill. Think T's gonna kill me?

Hopefully with all the lights out from having no electricity, he won't be able to see me. Unless I smile, of course. :)

5:21 p.m. - Wednesday, Aug. 25, 2004



It's time. It's now or never. If I don't leave now then I'm not going to make it.

Help Me!

What do you think he'll do? Poke and prod and drill?! Stop trying to scare me!

Here we go...dun, dun, dun...

8:34 a.m. - Wednesday, Aug. 25, 2004


I do not like dentists.

Haha. We're doing these sex surveys in our MSN group and it's starting to look like I'm the whore of the group. Oh my. Not only am I the only black girl in the group but now I'm the slut too? Pshhht.

Do I really need to go to the dentist today? It's not hurting anymore. I could be cleaning or something instead of wasting time with my mouth open somewhere. Hrm. That didn't sound right. And The Girl is sick again too so I'll probably have to take her to the doctor. She's complaining about her throat hurting so bad that she can't swallow.

Yeah, that's it. I can't go to the dentist because I have to take her to the doctor. End of story.

7:23 a.m. - Wednesday, Aug. 25, 2004


Going to see the Greek Cookiemaker

Diary, I finally have an appointment with the dentist today. Funny how I'm not in any kind of pain at the moment. Last night was the most excruciating pain I've ever been in in my life! I took every pill I could get my hands on until I fell asleep, and T dropped Monkey off with Nana so I wouldn't have to drop her off this morning. I swear that last night's toothache was worse than childbirth!

It looks like the phone won't be getting turned on any time soon. They're still trying to add the $35 they said they'd take off for a DSL connection I did not have for a month. A month! If my Time Warner bill comes this month and they've charged me for last month, it will most likely go unpaid too. I'm not paying for service I did not get for an entire three weeks simply because they couldn't find their own server.

Sigh, no phone and no cable connection? Bye bye, internet. :(

Not sure how to tell T that Sperm Donor also has my cell phone number. I don't think that's gonna go over well, ya think?

Oh ya, the latest with him (he called four times yesterday!) is that he's asking me to get the paperwork for termination and send it to his wife's uncle in Texas. Why not his address in Tucson? Because he's lying to me and telling me that he lives in Washington. Remember how he thinks I'm stupid and his city and state doesn't show up on my caller I.D.

HE called again yesterday too to whine about the latest drama he's gotten himself into. Since Moodymama wouldn't give up the nookie because, uh, I'M MARRIED and SO IS HE. Sheesh. HE's gone and gotten some young girl at his new job pregnant! "Why don't you talk to me anymore, waaaa." "I'm having a crisis, waaaaa." I think of you often and wonder how you're coping, but I have my hands full with more important issues at the moment. When things slow down a bit, I promise to be a better friend. Meanwhile, please put your dick under lock and key and you'd be amazed at how effective that is with keeping yourself out of trouble.

I'm going to the dentist this morning! Insert panic. I should take some drugs before I go, or maybe I've had enough. Nothing hurts today. No hand pain, no stomach pain, no tooth pain, no headaches.

This is bliss. :)

6:07 a.m. - Wednesday, Aug. 25, 2004


The world, partially cut off.

The good thing about having the phone turned off again is that everyone I don't like has the number, and cannot call me any longer.

If you have the number, go ahead and lose it. We won't be turning it on again.

6:00 p.m. - Tuesday, Aug. 24, 2004


Finally, peace with myself.

Life goes on around you, even when yours comes to a grinding, unwanted halt.

A friend is getting married, I want to feel her enthusiasm but the twice-married always worry a little about the first-married. I hope she doesn't take that the wrong way. I'm sure he's a great guy who will make her happy and not turn out to be some kind of Dirty Dog in sheep's clothing. I think she's smart enough to recognize that too.

Reminds me of the childless who express all the perfect little wonderful things they'll do differently from those who already have children. It's kind of cute and their intentions are well-meaning, but I always feel that a person should step into the shoes first and walk in them for a bit.

I sound jaded today, don't I? Really I'm not. I just enjoy being the person who gets to watch people's firsts. To see their growth. To see how they change as people. Is that a Mommy thing, I wonder?

The shrink added Xanax to my little pharmacy collection yesterday. Makes me groggy but very calm. You could come and spit in my face and I'd probably doze off. So anyway, this particular shrink, unlike my therapist, thinks that I more than qualify for mental disability. Of course, I knew that already. It was just a matter of someone else seeing that without me having to lie about seeing flying purple mice.

I've also decided not to return to work or school-EVER. I've come to the realization that I am not cut out for such things like the average individual. I can live with that. I just hope that everyone else with the EXPECTATIONS can deal with that too. If not, they can pretty much kiss my ass and fuck off.

12:51 p.m. - Tuesday, Aug. 24, 2004


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